Stay in the Green
Your confidence grows when you know what to expect. Since we are aware that the unknowns scare us most, we have to create the conditions that give us known factors.
We have been conditioned to hear the word "conflict" and immediately relate it to something terrible. When you experience or even perceive conflict, it's helpful to first identify the cause of your fear.
What's causing your fear? Is it the actual disagreement or maybe misaligned values? Or, is it the anticipation and animosity of what will happen as a result? This is a trick question; it's the anticipation. So, how do you stop that anticipation and quell the animosity?
You stop it by keeping yourself in the green.
In this graphic, green represents disagreement.
Next, you see blame, the problem growing, lack of communication, creating stories to make others the enemy, growing hostility, and polarization.
The conflict ladder is a visual representation of how disagreements escalate. What if you could keep yourself in the green? You wouldn't ever have to climb the ladder and endure the increasingly cringeworthy steps.
Sadly, you aren't in control of what happens with every conflict you encounter. What you can control is your mindset. When you find yourself experiencing conflict, you have the power to say (to yourself) "I stay in the green."
It's easy to let things escalate in your mind. You need a plan.
“I stay in the green.”
Say this to yourself when your fear takes over. So often, people jump to their worst-case scenario about how the conversation will go and what the consequences will be. (How many times have you gotten mad at someone for something you're sure they're going to say, but haven't said yet.) This is human nature. You have to be willing to train your mind to do something different.
What does it mean to stay in the green?
It means bringing yourself down from the next step on the ladder. When you start to blame someone for the conflict, you stay anchored in the fact that there is disagreement occurring. You tell yourself:
I don't know what the other person's full perspective is.
I may not understand the full background of the situation.
I stay in the green.
Every time you are about to climb the ladder, you remind yourself of the only fact you do have: there is a disagreement, and more shall be revealed.
So often, conflict is seemingly opposing viewpoints who actually want the same things. If you treat conflict like digging for treasure, you can save yourself a lot of stress.
Just stay in the green, until there's space for the conversation to unfold. You'll be surprised to find that you may never make it to yellow and beyond.
Conflict confidence will change your life.