What Does it Mean to be Conflict Capable?

"Hi, I am here because you said that you wanted to talk to me and so I got up from my desk and walked over here and while I was walking here I became so nervous that my body stopped producing saliva and also I am sweating. I know we had a disagreement this morning and I know you are my boss so I am not supposed to disagree with you my dad had the same job for 50 years and he taught me that. You're probably going to send me to HR because I upset and I know that I am not supposed to show it when I am..."

This is what it sounds like when you don't have a shared method for approaching conflict including a culture that teaches, models, and reinforces that method. Recently, I had someone ask me, "What does it mean to be conflict capable?"

I love answering this question because of both the alliteration and the answer itself.

I call them Conflict Capable Competencies because these are the three components you'll embody when you become conflict capable.

Here are the steps:

1. Shift your mindset. Reframe how you perceive conflict and train your mind and body to respond in new ways.

2. Use your new mindset to understand yourself and others in conflict. Learn about how you show up in conflict (and why), and how others show up (and why). I don't mean compassion, I mean gathering facts.

3. Learn, practice, and model new skills, words, and phrases. You have to know the actual words to say. You need to have words and phrases that you know how to use, and when to use them. You also need to practice your skills.

Which of these competencies do you need most?